"No one can Rewrite the stars"

I don’t feel accepted. I feel like even though I showered and look well put together that people around where I live think I’m dirty. I’ll say hello, good morning or thank you and receive no response. Like standing in front of me but won’t respond. I am Puerto Rican so I then try Hola, Buenas Dias, and Gracias yet still no response. I don’t understand and I immediately feel shut down. Like a little door inside of my heart in the far back area, deep, deep inside, just shut in my face and turned ice cold. What happened? What did I do wrong? … I am not this type of person, I used to be so very smiley and happy, super corny. But now.. I am a shell of the person I was. And all because I chose to love a man that doesn’t look just like me.

We get stares and mean things done to us and our kids. It feels so terrible and lonely. A little girl was walking with her grandma by our house out front the other day and we were out with our toddler. My daughter is so friendly and always lights up when anyone is around. As per her usual, she began waving hello to the little girl and my husband and I were waving and saying hello with her. They did not respond and grandma was doing her best to ignore us and my daughters greeting. Awkard!!! (in my best Pauly D voice) My area is like desolate, super quiet so if anyone even says hello to a neighbor I can hear their whole exchange from down the block. I kept thinking maybe she didn’t hear us. But she was at the edge of my driveway while we were less than 10 ft away, in my driveway. My husband said nothing. This happens a lot to us since we began our relationship and he does not really know what to do. He is just as inexperienced with peoples treatment of us as well. I always end up feeling helpless and powerless and having to get over mean things people have done to me in order to save face. I don’t know it’s like everyone is wanting their life to look perfect and anything that doesn’t fit the description for them they disregard.

Later that week my husband was at work and I heard noises in the front. I go to look and see that same little girl with her grandma but now the little girl is standing on my lawn and won’t move. I see her grandma calling for her to come back and gesturing loud quietly if you understand. The little girl refused and pointed to my home. I think she wanted to see my daughter or meet her. This lady pulled the child from my lawn and she began crying. She kept pulling her until they got off the lawn and the little girl gave in and cried walking down the block… It took everything in me not to go out and say hey sweetheart to that little angel but something held me inside. Fear.. I don’t know. I hate that that happened and I wanted to hug that little angel so much, she’s being taught wrong. She didn’t see a color, she saw a new friend. I caught an image of them walking away… shit it really fucks me up. I can’t take people treating my kids different because of us… I feel so powerless and outnumbered in my home town. I genuinely feel that I will always be wrong in whatever it is that I am doing and can’t get it right. This stuff really sucks.

One time my husband and I (bf at the time) were at hallmark buying a card for an event. We were having a great time, I mean in the beginning it’s always all flirty and fun, and nothing can go wrong. We cruise up and down the aisles and I see Bogey the monkey. How freaking cute is he!! Ummm I want it! Lol! He grabs it and I hold it as we head to the register, he’s got the card. As we are sheerly enjoying our time together, the clerk asked us to step up to the counter, or so I thought. As I approached she gestured for me to wait as if my boyfriend was first in line. I attempted to tell her that we’re together, but husband said it before I did. I approached the register with him and as she’s ringing the card up she asked if we wanted to pay separately or something to that extent. I believe she was ringing the card up as a separate purchase because I was holding Bogey. It got awkward and she needed to be told that we were together and that our purchase is together and on the same card because she then asked if we’re going to use separate cards to pay.. This hallmark isn’t that big, pretty small and we were the only ones in there at the time, 10 am. We cruised the aisles for 20 minutes or so, I love reading the cards, and we were enjoying our time together. I was confused because I thought she saw us walk in together, check out every nook and cranny of the store, and then walk to the checkout together. It was so forceful as if she wanted to separate us the whole time. She could not fathom in her mind that we’d be together regardless of all the evidence placed in front of her. It is pretty funny that as we drove by that Hallmark last month we noticed it had been closed down. The one over in Bay shore by Target if you live out here.

When my husband takes our son out alone, people separate them and don’t realize they are together. It’s infuriating. My son has autism Miss, he cannot speak, relax he’s not trying to pick your pocket Assblaster. I am truly getting weak with these situations and starting to not be able to overcome them. I have never experienced this before. I grew up in the Bronx and Queens and was always known for my bubbly energetic personality. I say hello to everyone and will hold the door open for you, even if you aren't near the door yet. I make friends and small talk wherever I go, yep I'm that guy! haha! My car dance moves are pretty sick and although I spread joy to my fellow drivers stuck in traffic with me, unfortunately I haven't gotten anyone to join in yet. hehe!

When I moved further out here on the island I was not receiving that same vibe. I don’t understand it feels like I stink or I’m dirty, I’m like scrubbing my skin and straightening my hair constantly. What is wrong here? I am starting to notice these things much more because they are increasing in intensity and everyone out here thinks I’m sensitive about it.. I just don’t know what to do anymore. People don’t accept anything different. I’m all about vibes and I feel that awkwardness at events. I have even started noticing (which I’ll joke about) that I’m the only one my color in every place we go. I never looked at it that way before or better yet noticed it. My hubby will have friends that we’ve both been cool with for 7+ years but if they get a new girl, I’m outed because they don’t like me. Wtf? It’s literally happened twice to two of our close friends in the past two years. I don’t love my man because of his skin color he could be green and I wouldn’t give a shit, I love him for him. The person he is. We actually have a pretty great relationship and most of our beefs are about the way others are treating us. His friends and his family, my family… All this passive aggressive shit has got to stop. IT is most definitely a bullying type of behavior. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing wrong. I’m baking like crazy, these stress bakes are gonna have my family needing bigger pants. I just wish there was some way to resolve everything, but I am starting to feel like this is an endless cycle. If they don’t accept Harry and Meghan why would our dumb asses think they’d accept us… two nobody’s… I’m ready to throw in the towel..

Have a great day and if you feel where I’m coming from keep your pretty head up today. Whoever you are and whatever your struggle, I am wishing you an awesome day. With all you go through you deserve it!

OOh and really funny, predictive text and auto correct keep changing my ethnicity to african when i write the word puerto rican lol. Even google is being disrespectful now lol!